HUMOUR & FOOD FOR THOUGHT

SENIOR MOMENT

"Where is my Sunday paper?" the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition, as she was heard to mutter, "Well, that's why no one was at church today!"

CHURCH BLOOPERS

~ The Rev Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

~ The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

~ The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

~ Evening massage 6 pm.

~ The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

~ Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.

~ The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment.

~ Next Sunday Mrs Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

~ Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

~ The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

~ Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts...

~ The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the final secretary gave a grief report.

THINGS GOD WON'T ASK

~ God won't ask what kind of car you drove, He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.

~ God won't ask the square footage of your house, He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

~ God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.

~ God won't ask what your highest salary was, He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

~ God won't ask what your job title was, He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of our ability.

~ God won't ask how many friends you had, He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

~ God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.

~ God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll ask about the content of your character.

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

~ At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

~ Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

~ The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

~ Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

~ Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

~ For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

~ During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J F Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

~ Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

~ Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

~ The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

~ This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

~ Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

~ This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

~ Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm - prayer and medication to follow.

~ The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Belzer; the sin of Rev and Mrs Julius Belzer.

~ Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 pm. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

~ The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

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Our Lady of Grace Catholic Church

HUMOUR & FOOD FOR THOUGHT